I've been at "it" again.

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[ickle_jim]

ill read it tomorow morning, im off to bed soon.

What i will say though, is i think it would be better if we uploaded scripts as text files to webspace if we have some. That way the layout is correct, but better yet it doesnt censor stuff for no reason.

Just give a link to the text file... that said, it does require alittle bit more effort to post stuff that way, but who knows that might improve stuff as its more of a proper first draft of what you have written so far rather than a quick "have a read of this guys" sorta posting.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ February 16, 2003 06:32 PM: Message edited by: ickle_jim ]</font>

[Patriarch]

Ok? first of all, I really envy your ability to keep producing scripts!

Well written, good dialogue, and an interesting read.

Only had a few nitpicks along the way. I had a hard time deciding whether the three bad guys were to be feared, or if they were just a few punks. At one point it seems like these guys are the **** ! Psycho drug dealers, with guns and without any mercy. Then when the fight and arguing starts they seem more like regular street trash who aren?t really anything.

We don?t really know the relationship between the three, but they seem a little too unsupportive of each other. Usually types like that don?t have one of there guys fighting, without they all get involved, even before the fighting starts.

Lastly I think it might be cool, if one of the three were standing with the sister, holding her in a tight grip. Or even with a twist, where she in some way is associated with them, or not at all bothered with them raging a little havoc. But those are just some minor ideas, not really improvements.

So, all in all, include somewhere in the script what kind of guys they are (the danger level they pose).

Anyway, looking forward to more reads from you 

[Patriarch]

Ok? first of all, I really envy your ability to keep producing scripts!

Well written, good dialogue, and an interesting read.

Only had a few nitpicks along the way. I had a hard time deciding whether the three bad guys were to be feared, or if they were just a few punks. At one point it seems like these guys are the **** ! Psycho drug dealers, with guns and without any mercy. Then when the fight and arguing starts they seem more like regular street trash who aren?t really anything.

We don?t really know the relationship between the three, but they seem a little too unsupportive of each other. Usually types like that don?t have one of there guys fighting, without they all get involved, even before the fighting starts.

Lastly I think it might be cool, if one of the three were standing with the sister, holding her in a tight grip. Or even with a twist, where she in some way is associated with them, or not at all bothered with them raging a little havoc. But those are just some minor ideas, not really improvements.

So, all in all, include somewhere in the script what kind of guys they are (the danger level they pose).

Anyway, looking forward to more reads from you [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Patriarch]

**** .... sorry for double post.. no ******* admins here to delete it

[Joker to the Thief]

Hate to be a git, but i've seen this beginning to a film loads of times. It's all a bit clean cut. why not try to establish the Cameron character as the protagonist then get the trio to kill him off during the fight (for example in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, where Sergio Leone spends ages establishing three characters only to have them killed as the introduction of the Ugly). Then have the trio of drug dealers/villians become the central characters. Also be careful with the briefcase thing, i've tried it before and you really need to justify the tension you've created by holding out on the audience about what it contains (unless you are considering the likes of the box in Barton Fink, or the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, where you never find out the contents).

Again i hate to be critical but someones gotta.

JTTF

[deanl]

Hey there.

"Hate to be a git, but i've seen this beginning to a film loads of times."

Hmmm.... right. Name 13?

Despin out.

[Patriarch]

Its very similar to The Two Towers [img]wink.gif[/img]

the basic idea that Joker has with cheating the audience by having the guy everyone thinks is the hero, getting killed off. Not sure if its worth rewriting the script over. But could be fun stuff in a new one

[emjen]

if he's having critique about the beginning of your script because he thinks he has seen it more than a dozen times, that wouldn't necessarily mean he actually HAS seen it more than twelve times, it just means it comes of a bit standard... generic... if you know what i mean.

It was writtin well, i think you've got the hang of writing scripts. Now you'll have to do your best to amaze us with original things, things we have never seen before.

The opening isn't bad, it's just generic, nothing new. You don't have to change it if you think it's right, I mean it explains the relation between cameron and debra, maybe you can't even change it that much even if you wanted to. Where am i going with this?

[Joker to the Thief]

okay, two that spring instantly to mind are Con-Air and NBK, which both feature male protagonists fighting with a gang of men in a cafe/bar in the defence of a women. And that's two too many.

Secondly, as soon as you put your work into the public arena it is open to criticism, whether it be bad or good. If you can't handle that without being defensive then don't post your creative output onto an internet message board.

My post was aimed to be constructive criticism, and if it was not perceived in that way, that i apologise, but without criticism it is impossible to develop in a positive way.

The opening of a film is fundamental to a persons impression of it, in many cases more than the ending. The opening is where you create the set up and the tone of your film. I personally felt that your script lacked the necessary 'oomph' required to make me want to watch the entire film. I found the lead, Cameron Knocks, difficult to relate to. What makes me want him to succeed?

Okay, it is a fair point to say that there isn't another film that begins exactly like your one, but as others have said it seems generic.

Anyway, each to their own, keep writing, keep filming. No offence was meant.

JTTF.